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| The Basics | Are your finances as strong as your marriage?
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Budgets, bills and debt can be points of painful marital conflict. Luckily, the same traits that make a good marriage -- trust, flexibility -- make for great money harmony.
By Liz Pulliam Weston
My husband delights in telling people, including complete strangers, about his pittance. Thats his word for the cash that is automatically whisked from our joint account into his separate checking account every week.
I pull out a similar sum for myself, and we use these weekly allowances as walking around money -- for treats, lunches out, movies and buying presents for each other without leaving a trail of credit-card receipts behind.
We had a few false starts -- and some tense moments -- before we hit on this system. But when it comes to merging money when youre married, financial planners say, trial and error is often the best approach.
There are no rules, says Delia Fernandez, a financial planner in Los Alamitos, Calif., who advises many couples about their money. Thats the wonderful thing about marriage -- you get to make it up as you go along.
Different financial tasks and challenges arise at discrete times in our lives. Children generate a lot of financial decisions that should be dealt with as soon as they're born, including wills, insurance and college planning. Buying a home sets up its own dynamics, as does planning for retirement. Later on, you'll probably have to get involved in your parents' finances.
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9 issues to talk about
The challenges of marriage and money are complex because of the interaction of love, emotion and practical realities.
What couples shouldnt do, however, is assume money matters will simply fall into place without effort. Successfully merging your finances in marriage requires honesty, communication, flexibility and trust -- the very qualities, Fernandez points out, that make for a good marriage in the first place.
Here are the issues you should talk about, whether you are just contemplating marriage, already starry-eyed honeymooners or struggling to mesh your money styles after years of conflict.
Banking and bill-paying
When it comes to handling money and bills, couples styles are as different as their relationships. They range from the roommate approach -- each spouse has separate accounts and bills are divvied up -- to the two-shall-be-as-one style, where every checkbook, credit card and brokerage statement in the house is in both names.
Once again, theres no right answer. But couples need to figure out what works for them by asking these questions:
Should we have a joint account?
A joint account for household expenses can be handy. Its not required, however. Youll also need to decide if that will be your only checking account, or if each spouse will have a separate account as well. Separate accounts can give each partner a sense of freedom and autonomy, but some people feel these private accounts can undermine the sense of all-for-one unity they were hoping for in marriage.
If you cant agree or arent clear about the right path, take your time. Couples in general should consider merging their finances slowly, says Washington, D.C. psychotherapist Olivia Mellan, as they get to know each other and build trust. This is particularly important if your money styles are different, which is often the case, said Mellan, author of Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships.
Where will our paychecks be deposited?
Some couples who have both joint and separate accounts have their checks deposited in the joint account to cover the bills, and transfer spending money to separate accounts. Some do just the opposite -- depositing their checks in their own accounts, then moving enough money to cover bills into the joint account.
How will we make spending decisions?
Most couples dont want to debate every $5 purchase. On the other hand, you probably wouldnt want to see a new car in the driveway when you hadnt been consulted. (This, by the way, actually happened to a friend of ours. And it was a Jaguar, no less. Theyre no longer married.)
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