| |
|
|
|
|
| The Basics | It's time for taxes that feel good
|
The problem with the tax code is that no one ever has any fun with it. We'll start small . . . like with the Annoying Cell-Phone Ring Tax.
By MP Dunleavey
I know youve spent the last few weeks of tax season cursing the IRS and the whole crazy tax code, with its blizzard of forms and baffling instructions.
But now that April 15 has come and gone, lets all try to remember that taxes are about more than annual angst and financial ruin. Theyre the source of all thats good and fun about our government. Really!
All we need are a few simple changes to the tax code to make life better for all Americans. Ive started a small list below. Feel free to e-mail me with other suggestions. Or just print this one out and mail it to the IRS with your late payment and Form 666 -- Request for Absolution.
The sky's the limit
Now that the government has remedied the so-called marriage penalty, I believe anything is possible, so here goes:
Malfeasance Escrow Accounts
Enron, Tyco, WorldCom, Adelphia, the mutual fund scandals . . . If corporate profiteering is going to be business as usual in America, I say tax it! Lets mandate that all major U.S. companies pay 10% of their annual revenues into a Malfeasance Escrow Account, or MEA, as in mea culpa. If, after five years, no one has found any evidence of fraud, the money would be refunded. But if its business as usual, the IRS would distribute the funds to hapless employees and shareholders as a form of restitution.
The Vanity Tax
Youve heard of the value-added taxes imposed in Europe and elsewhere. This little revenue-raiser would add 25% to all cosmetic surgery procedures as a way of capturing the value added when wrinkles, excess flab and other blemishes are removed. Think of it as liposuction for your wallet. Those who can afford to look way more attractive than God or nature intended should pay extra for the privilege -- and for making the rest of us ashamed to walk around the locker room naked.
Overexposed faces, oversized vehicles
The Excess Media Exposure Tax
And speaking of vanity . . . If Jessica Simpson or Britney Spears grace the cover of one more publication in 2004, there should be hell -- and tax -- to pay. Every April 15, in addition to contributing $3 to the presidential election campaign fund, taxpayers would vote on the nations most overexposed celebrities, whose future media appearances would be subject to a penalty for taxing our patience. Magazines, Web sites and entertainment TV shows in violation of the restriction would have to fork over every dime they made on the offending issue or broadcast to the IRS, which would then be rebated to the public in the form of vouchers for psychiatric care and anger management classes.
The SUV Penalty
Those who own or drive any vehicle large enough to transport circus animals or the governor of California must pay an additional 15% in federal tax. Drivers who actually own a circus animal or who live in the governors mansion in Sacramento can file Form H2 to apply for a rebate of the tax. This additional revenue will be used to fund a tax credit to pay for repairs to compact cars crushed by oblivious SUV drivers attempting to parallel park.
The Creative Deduction Deduction
Did you claim your cat as a dependent? File for depreciation on your toaster? A special $500 deduction goes to those who concoct the most creative ways to reduce their tax bills, legally or not. The value of the deduction is automatically doubled if your return actually causes an IRS auditor to laugh out loud.
The Gender Equity Provision
Even though a recent Harvard study found that although women on average still earn only 78 cents to a mans dollar, Americas working women typically shell out twice as much to look good at work. This amendment to the tax code would allow women to deduct the cost of panty hose, footwear, suits we hate, unnecessary highlighting, frequent manicures, cosmetic dental work and treatment for injuries sustained by slamming up against that glass ceiling.
Lard and the tax sabbatical
The Obesity Reduction Act
Obesity has reached epidemic proportions in this country and its time we use the tax system to slim down more than peoples wallets. This law would impose a hefty tax on bulk sales of lard, the essential ingredient in just about every fast-food menu item. The law would also establish a market system allowing fast-food conglomerates to buy and sell lard futures and fresh vegetable offset certificates, so that Taco Bell can continue to sell that tasty chalupa.
Annoying Cell Phone Ring Tax
A 30% excise tax will be applied to any cell phone that is equipped to play cutesy electronic tunes or mangled versions of Beethoven and Mozart classics.
The Jubilee Tax Sabbatical
It seems only fair that, after paying taxes every year, year in and year out, the hardworking taxpayer should be able to take a break. Every seven years, long-suffering taxpayers can take a year off from paying taxes. You think those puny $400 checks gave the economy a bump? Wait till you see this.
|
|
|
|
|
|
MSN Money's editorial goal is to provide a forum for personal finance and investment ideas. Our articles, columns, message board posts and other features should not be construed as investment advice, nor does their appearance imply an endorsement by Microsoft of any specific security or trading strategy. An investor's best course of action must be based on individual circumstances.
|
|
