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| The Basics | Get the wedding gifts you really want
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Traditional registries can prevent you from getting 5 identical bun warmers. But some couples really want camping gear, home down payments or honeymoon contributions. What would Miss Manners say?
By MP Dunleavey
It's relatively rare these days for people to get married right after graduating from college. The average age for first marriage among women has risen steadily to more than 25, from less than 21 in 1970; for men, the average is now more than 27.
My fianc and I were about a decade or so past our mid-20s when we got married recently, and like a lot of people, we had accumulated a lot of stuff during our unmarried years. The last thing we wanted was more stuff. At least that's how we felt when we considered doing the standard newlywed thing: i.e. registering for china, linens, monogrammed silver, matching PDAs and a small, well-behaved child.
Nah. What we wanted, more than anything, given the stress of modern wedding planning, was to go lie on a beach somewhere and pretend we were still happily dating.
But like most couples we found the cost of the wedding taxing enough -- even though our parents did pay for most of it. There was no way we could afford a honeymoon, too. So we got this crazy idea. If our loved ones would be willing to shell out for glassware and new pots, would it be terrible -- crass, rude, self-serving -- to ask for contributions toward what we really wanted?
Financial wedding etiquette
To be honest, I've never liked the idea of a traditional registry. No matter how fancy the store (or your china pattern), you're basically telling guests what to buy you.
Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin, pointed out in a recent column that commercial gift registries used to be kept ONLY in the event that customers inquired about a bride's china or silver pattern. Now, she says, all sentiment is being stripped from the gift-giving tradition. People turn to registries, she says, "to put generosity under the control of its beneficiaries." And, she concludes sternly: "These practices are no less vulgar for having become commonplace."
Her point is well-taken. Some couples seem to equate "getting married" with "shopping spree" and use the registry system to shamelessly upgrade every item in their home.
On the other hand, there is a financial reality that cannot be avoided. Custom dictates that a gift must be bought, so for most people the financial sanity (and sheer convenience) of bridal registries outweighs the inherent crudeness of this system. Guests don't waste their money buying gifts couples don't want or can't use. Couples get what they need, so they don't have to buy it themselves.
Stuff -- who needs it?
Increasingly, says Peggy Post, author of "Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette by Peggy Post", many couples would rather skip the stuff anyway. "So many couples come to the marriage with so many things," she says, noting that 40% of marriages are "encore," i.e. repeat, unions, for one or both partners. "These days you see people registering for all kinds of non-traditional items." Among them: camping gear, a down payment for a house, stock certificates and, yes! . . . the honeymoon.
According to the Association of Bridal Consultants (see link at left), a wedding guest will spend an average of $85 on a gift. The average cost of a honeymoon is about $4,000. If a couple has no need for flatware and linens, why not encourage guests to contribute to a honeymoon registry like thehoneymoon.com, casadeorotravel.com, honeymoonforyou.com or honeyluna.com?
Guests can contribute to airfare, romantic dinners, massages, picnics, guided tours, etc.
To drool over a sample registry for a honeymoon in Hawaii, click on the link at left under Honeymoonforyou.com. For one in Greece, click at left under HoneyLuna.com. And to send in contributions for my honeymoon, click . . . oh, never mind.
The etiquette of alternative registries
Peggy Post, the great-granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post, thinks using these offbeat registries can be fine "with a big IF attached." Here's some guidance:
1) Wait until you're asked.
It's impolite (and annoying) to include a card announcing where you're registered. Wait for guests to inquire, and let the word spread discreetly through friends and family. "Let your parents, siblings, wedding party and close friends know -- IF they've asked," suggests Bobbie Izeman, a bridal consultant and advice columnist for blushing-brides.com. "But don't announce it in a formal way."
2) Do not dictate.
As Miss Manners points out, a gift, above all, is a gift. It is not up to you to decide what your guests should give, no matter how badly you want contributions to your down payment, help with your airfare or even traditional items like cookware. "You should leave your guests the option to give you what they want," agrees Post.
3) Say thank you.
It may seem obvious, but sending a prompt, enthusiastic thank you note -- for every gift, no matter what the gift -- is essential. "The key thing is to remember to be appreciative," says Post.
The honeymoon fund
Since we didn't know about these honeymoon registries a few months ago, my fianc and I set up our own impromptu "honeymoon fund." We made a small gaffe by alluding to it in the instruction sheet for our weekend wedding (oops!), but it was in the context of asking guests please not to give presents. Apparently, that is also a faux pas (eek!), but we hadn't consulted all these etiquette experts then.
To our surprise, a small number of friends (and a couple of relatives) protested. They wanted to get us A Real Gift. I can say with some relief that at least we handled that properly -- encouraging people to give whatever sort of gift they wanted.
And they did. We got a lovely mix of gifts and honeymoon fund contributions. Just enough so that we can restore our sanity on some sandy shore -- without going into a penny of debt. What greater wedding gift could there be?
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