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| Uncommon Sense | The fine art of splitting a check
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It's the moment of ugly truth: Your dear friends are appetizer-hogs, dessert-grubbers and drink-downers. And they ordered pheasant under glass. So . . . shall we just divide it 6 ways?
By MP Dunleavey
Youve just had a great dinner out with friends, when the check arrives. Whomp. Did someone just order an awkward silence with their espresso?
Hands reach into pockets and purses, wallets emerge, someone reaches for the check (are they treating? or just doing the math?) and your brain does the usual jig: If I've waited this long, will it sound phony if I offer to treat? If I suggest we split it, will I look cheap? And if we do split it, how? Do I have to pay a full share if all I had was a salad? Where's Miss Manners when you need her?
In the context of really annoying day-to-day money dilemmas, the silently seething debate over how to split the bill wins some kind of personal finance triple crown.- Everyone thinks about it.
- Nobody wants to talk about it.
- When handled badly, as it often is, this issue can take a toll on both your friendships and your finances.
So let's sort this out once and for all, shall we?
Restaurant tabs through the ages
Early disputes over who ordered what date as far back as Hammurabi. Illustrations on Babylonian clay pots suggest that the dilemma was usually solved by smashing stone plates over each other's heads and walking off in a huff.
Sadly, we're too sophisticated for that now, and most people resort to false jocularity when the check arrives, followed by loud grumbling in the car on the way home.
"It's a moment that's rife with tension," notes Richard Sand, co-author of "Protocol: The Complete Handbook of Diplomatic, Official and Social Usage." He adds: "One great tradition, established by John Quincy Adams, was to arm-wrestle for the check."
I was all set to advocate arm-wrestling as an awesome solution for this age-old struggle, when Sand told me he was kidding. (Bummer.) His jest was merely meant to illustrate, he said, how little humor we bring to this issue.
Ghastly new traditions
That's because it's hard to laugh when both your wallet and your sense of fairness have been offended. Especially with the ghastly new tradition of Birthday Parties Being Held at Pricey Restaurants. Based on the numerous interviews I conducted, I'd say these parties are responsible for at least 40% of check-splitting debacles. And at least two friendships grinding to a halt.
One friend described an event where the birthday person spontaneously ordered a few bottles of Champagne for the table. That was fine, until the check came and the host expected the guests not only to pay their share for dinner, but to foot the bill for the bubbly as well.
Another woman, who keeps a firm budget, told me she agreed to attend a friend's birthday dinner, under the impression that the friend was treating. She wasn't, and the tab came to $100 a person. "In one night I spent the equivalent of what I would normally spend in two weeks," she said. "I will never do that again."
The trouble is that it's hard to anticipate what events will unfold when the check arrives, even when it only involves a simple dinner with friends. How to handle a pal who has a penchant for picking places more pricey than you'd prefer? Can you chide friends who are chronically short of cash? Or always contribute less than they should?
If you've consumed significantly less than others at the table (a frequent problem for non-drinkers and vegetarians), should you be required to split the check? If you've consumed more, wouldn't good manners dictate that you should contribute accordingly -- and if you don't, are your friends allowed to beat you senseless?
The etiquette is so fuzzy, and everyone is so afraid to appear gauche, that these conflicts go unresolved and what should be a simple math problem becomes emotionally stressful and financially taxing.
At a recent dinner, I suggested each person pay their own way, and earned a finger wagging from one person: "According to Esquire, after the age of 30 you should split the check evenly, regardless of what you've ordered."
(Bob, an editorial researcher at Esquire, wasn't able to find this exact prescription, "But it sounds like something we would say," he agreed.)
It's a pain in the priorities
It also sounds like a system designed to favor those on the steak-and-martini end of the spectrum. What if you're not a big eater, a big drinker, a big spender -- or you prefer to spend your money in other ways? "Sometimes it's a matter of priorities," says Margo Geller, a counselor who specializes in financial issues in Atlanta. "You might have (the money) but find the idea of spending a lot on a restaurant outrageous."
Lesley Carlin, co-author of "Things You Should Know" and one of the Etiquette Grrls (see link at left) would temper the Esquire philosophy. "If you go out to dinner frequently with the same group of friends, then it makes sense to split the check evenly. One night you have a salad, the next you have a steak -- eventually it evens out."
"When it's a group not likely to get together often," she adds, "then it's fair to divide the check according to what you had -- and going with round numbers."
Nickel-and-diming is bad form. "You don't want to whip out a calculator," she says. Nor do you want to make anyone feel bad about slight inequities. If only one person orders the chocolate mousse cake, but one or two others take a bite of it, you might as well just split it. Some people have a rule of thumb for these moments. Says one woman I know: "If the difference between my entree and someone else's is $5 or more, then I chip in the difference."
At the same time, if someone's tab is significantly more, and they want to split the check, "Then you might want to say something diplomatic, like, 'I don't think we all had appetizers'," Carlin suggests. "It's not fair to let them take advantage of the group."
Put your pride aside
Good advice, but not so easy to follow if you're sitting at Chez Louis with five of your friends and a tab for $245.67. Not including tip.
"You want to say 'Let's each pay what we owe,' but it feels ignoble," said one friend of mine. "It's like we're all supposed to pretend that everyone earns the same amount -- and not everyone does."
That's when you can get into financial hot water, says Geller, especially when you let pride dictate what you're willing to pay. On the one hand it's understandable: "You don't want to expose your vulnerabilities, what you can or cannot afford," says Geller.
Although it can be awkward to talk frankly about money, Geller believes it's better to endure a little discomfort by communicating your feelings up front than pay the financial penalty afterward. And set the tone long before you get to the restaurant, Geller advises. If the restaurant in question is too expensive, suggest a cheaper one. If someone is hosting a birthday, ask whether they will be picking up the tab or expecting guests to share it. If you're not comfortable with how the check is being divided, Geller suggests saying something like: "I know people do things differently, but what works for me is X."
Richard Sand, the "Protocol" author, has an ingenious system. "Always offer to pay the check," he says, "But always accede to what your guests want."
His theory is that you can't lose by being gracious -- and in most cases, your guests either will insist on paying their share or will reciprocate. If they can't, and you foot the bill, "the friendship is maintained. And sparing people the embarrassment and the tussle is worth the extra money you might spend," he says
I like the generosity behind this method, but relying on people's sense of honor seems like a recipe for going broke. Sand says that when it's not possible to make such a magnanimous offer, then split the check evenly -- "unless someone had six drinks and you had none. Then you should leave early and steal their umbrella."
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