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| Uncommon Sense | The money myths we inherit from mom
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Talking to women about how we manage money makes it clear that our mothers are powerful financial role models -- for better or worse.
By MP Dunleavey
Editor's note: Columnist MP Dunleavey and seven other women have come together online to strip away the myths surrounding money, speak frankly about their finances and liberate themselves from debt. Follow the quest for financial fabulousness of these "Women in Red" every other Monday in Dunleavey's column on MSN Money.
How do women learn about money? Where do we get our habits, attitudes and expectations?
Writing about the Women in Red leads me to ponder these things. It gives me the chance to observe the way many women (and not just WIR members) manage their financial lives. Or not.
And the Not is what troubles me.
In past columns I've explored the financial influence of everything from one's innermost fears to the sitcom "Friends." But there's a larger force that looms in every woman's life:
Mom.
Surgeon General's warning
Don't worry, I'm not about to skewer our mothers as the source of all money woes. Nor am I saying that women in general are financially clueless. Clearly, many women are making economic progress. And kudos to them! But as far as I can tell, this rising tide isn't lifting all boats.
A woman who runs her own small business may still have gotten herself into a foolish amount of debt. And, as she closes in on 40, she may not have saved much for retirement. (That would be me.)
In the six months or so I've been focusing on where my gender is at financially, I must have interviewed 50 or 60 women across the country. And what I see depresses me. Most women I've spoken with:- Are worried about money.
- Don't feel in control of their finances.
- Wish they knew more about saving and investing, but "don't know where to start."
And a significant number either rely on someone else to manage their money or are waiting, hoping or praying for that to happen.
Your mother, your self
It's no secret that parents play a big role in your financial development. But Harvard psychologist Carol Kauffman, Ph.D., says that women get a slew of complex messages about money as they're growing up, specifically from their mothers.
"Unlike men, women who grew up in the '60s and '70s got mixed messages from their moms -- and from society -- about whether you were supposed to be in control of your finances or wait for your husband to do it."
What also became clear, as I interviewed 13 women on this topic, was that our mothers were powerful financial role models -- whether they planned to be or not. Eight out of 13 have followed their mothers' example, even when it wasn't positive or profitable.
More 'Women in Red' on MSN Money
Three more live financial lives in direct reaction to their mothers.
Only two women seemed moderately influenced by their moms, but had managed to craft their own financial way of life.
Mothers, daughters and money
Each mother-daughter relationship is unique (right, Mom?). Still, I noticed a few maternal archetypes and the financial impact they can have:
The coupon-clipping mom: Anna and I, for example, were raised by mothers who knew the value of a good store discount. "My mom had this network with my aunt and a couple of friends, and they would scout out the food discounts in all three local markets," Anna says.
Like my mom, her mother frowned on frivolity and fashion. "We'd get shirts for 50 cents at Filene's." (I wore hand-me-downs.)
Anna is grateful for the thrift she learned. "It taught me about priorities," she says." Like her European-born parents, who saved every dime to bring their kids back home to Italy and Germany for summer vacations, Anna saves so she can spend on what matters.
On the other hand, I felt deprived and became a frivolous spender the minute I got a paper route at age 12. It took me years, decades, to see my mother's practicality as an asset.
The extravagant mom: Some women are inspired by their mother's carelessness (or cluelessness) to get their own financial acts together.
One woman said her mother's mantra was, "Just put it on the card!" She went through college believing her credit card bills were being paid -- and graduated into a mountain of debt. "I'm much more practical about money now, thanks to her."
Beth says she still finds it hard to shake off some of the habits and attitudes she learned growing up. "My mother was and is incredibly generous. But her mentality was always, 'Spend while you have it. Not save.' And I still battle with that."
Recently Beth got an $80 refund that she was going to put toward her savings, when she found herself thinking: "Maybe I should buy some things now, because I might not have this money later." She laughs. "I couldn't believe that illogical thought crossed my brain."
The head-in-the-sand mom: I was surprised by how many mothers simply avoided the whole money topic with their daughters. The not-too-surprising result: Daughters of head-in-the-sand moms have a harder time taking the financial reins in their own lives.
Two of the women I spoke to were raised in comfortable circumstances -- but were never told how to create that for themselves.
A third, Brice, remembers being given a clothing allowance in high school. "It could have been the perfect opportunity for me to learn something" about money, she says, "but there was never any discussion."
Brice credits her mother with teaching her how to spend wisely ("I don't always do it, but I know how!"). But she wishes her mother had taught her about how to invest for the future. "The message was always: 'Don't spend,' instead of how to earn more or plan better."
The financial-dynamo mom: Want to know why Carole is the head of a major not-for-profit and the WIR's top earner? She was raised by a financial dynamo. (Interestingly, two of the three most financially successful moms were single.)
When Carole was 10, her father passed away. Her mother was widowed with four kids and not enough in the bank ("My father hadn't prepared for this, obviously," Carole says).
But her mom quickly took the financial reins, moved the family to a cheaper house, took a job as a secretary at a bank and worked her way up to vice president in just a few years.
Like other women raised by fiscally fit mothers, Carole is deeply grateful for the messages she got: to plan, to save, to be prudent.
Coping with your mom's money messages
You may feel a mix of things about the financial example you got from your mom (or your dad -- but we'll tackle him in a later column). Here are some tips for working with inherited money habits:- Acknowledge your mother's influence: Whether your mom was a positive role model or not, it's important to be aware of the ways you're following in her financial footsteps or trying to be the polar opposite.
- Skip the blame: Finger-pointing won't help your finances. Seeing yourself as a separate financial person will. Brice recently watched her mother make some impulsive, short-term money moves. "I was shocked. I may not have a lot to work with myself, but I'm gaining an understanding of how to manage money -- and I know she's not doing the right thing."
- Make your own choices: There's a tendency to forget that you're not stuck with what you're raised with. Like many of the women I spoke to, (especially Brice, Beth and Anna), I'm grateful for the money skills I got from my mom. But now we're realizing that we can be even more proactive about money. And what mother wouldn't want that for her daughter?
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