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| Uncommon Sense | 3 big reasons couples fight about money
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Arguments about money are often really struggles for power. Managing these issues can smooth out the bickering.
By MP Dunleavey
Editor's note: Columnist MP Dunleavey and eight other women have come together online to strip away the myths surrounding money, lay bare their assets and liberate themselves from debt. Follow the quest for financial fabulousness of these "Women in Red" every second Monday in Dunleavey's column on MSN Money.
Like many married women, Anna, Beth, Stephanie and I have all fought with our spouses about money.
Big loud fights, small seething fights, ongoing tense "discussions" . . . pick your favorite form of financial conflict, and we've been there, done that. Recently.
You'd think that, with more than a year of experience in the Women in Red, we'd be so financially enlightened that silly money squabbles would be a thing of the past.
Nope. But the good news is, we've learned that it's possible to find true and lasting financial harmony with your mate the same way you achieve financial success in any other area of your life:
- It takes time.
- You must be patient.
- Throwing things is bad.
- You have to negotiate the power dynamic.
Did someone just say power? Yes.
When couples come into conflict over money, underneath the bickering over the Visa bill is a swarm of issues that are ultimately about power and control. In order to get in synch financially, you can't deal with money alone: Learning to navigate your own special, sometimes uncomfortable power dynamic is key.
Related news and commentary on MSN Money
3 big causes of conflict
According to financial expert Deborah Knuckey, author of Conscious Spending for Couples: Seven Skills for Financial Harmony, most couples deal with control issues. "It's very common within a relationship to have one person who is more interested in handling the money and one who is less interested," she says.
Naturally, the partner who is more interested usually ends up with more financial control. For many couples, this imbalance may not create any friction. (A surprising number of women on the Women in Red blog say they hold the reins, and it actually seems to keep the peace.)
But that's not always the case, and then it becomes time to rebalance the financial power in the three areas where conflict tends to flare:
1. Your big-picture goals
While a money fight might start over whether it was you or your spouse who overdrew the checking account -- or whether it's better to buy a new car or redo the basement -- Knuckey says that day-to-day money tensions can be diffused by getting in synch about long-term goals.
"If you have one partner who is not that great at saving, it's much easier for them to come to terms with certain spending restrictions if you're able to have the discussions in the context of that bigger goal," Knuckey says.
For example, Stephanie, 28, says that she and her husband are much more in synch with each other financially ever since they agreed that paying off their almost $30,000 in debt should be a shared priority.
Agreeing even on one shared goal -- to save more for retirement, to save for a down payment, to put Junior through college, to go on vacation -- also helps prevent a power struggle when spending questions arise. "Instead of saying, 'You can't buy that iPod', you can say, 'Let's put that money toward the vacation we agreed on'," Knuckey suggests.
Anna, 41, would add that goal-setting can be a long process when one partner is reluctant -- like her husband. But she keeps bringing up their long-term issues and feels her persistence is paying off. "I think we both realize we're not always on the same page, but we're more in synch now than we've been."
And a little bit of harmony goes a long way, Anna says, adding that they have far fewer meltdowns over money than they used to -- and more productive discussions about priorities.
2. Your day-to-day money management
Managing cash flow is probably the most-common arena where couples experience financial flare-ups -- usually because self-appointed household CFOs tend to like telling their mates how to manage money.
Because this can lead to blame, criticism and mountains of resentment, it's essential to agree on a day-to-day money management system that works for both partners.
There are many ways to do this. Beth and I and our husbands rely on the 60% Solution. Stephanie and her husband do as well. Yet while they plan to team up on paying back debt, they otherwise keep their accounts separate. "The rest of (our spending) is up to us, on an individual basis," she says. "It's the best way for us not to fight about money."
That notion makes my cigar-chomping editor crazy. He believes that true financial harmony requires sharing every detail of your money lives. I say work with what works. Whatever spending plan you come up with, it should help you manage the cash flow so that you and your mate move closer to your long-term goals.
Knuckey has four other suggestions for keeping power struggles to a minimum as you create your money-management plan:
- Discuss your financial plan at a calm moment, not during a crisis.
- Explore financial beliefs. "Money becomes a proxy for love, power and all kinds of things that it really isn't," she says, "so it's critical to first get clear about what your individual feelings are about money."
Does money make you fearful and anxious? Do you associate it with freedom? How was money handled by your parents?
Most couples have unspoken rules about how to handle money. Try to articulate what these private money policies are: that debt is bad or good, that shopping for entertainment is OK, etc.
- Automate basic bills. "So much bickering I see is over who didn't pay the utility bill," Knuckey says. "By putting everything on auto-pay, you streamline the administration of your money. That alone takes away a lot of tension."
- Make sure everyone has fun money. When Beth and Scott took the fun-money edict built into the 60% Solution more seriously, it gave them each some breathing room to spend without being accountable to anyone.
3. Your roles
There's no question that Anna, Beth, Stephanie and I are the financial control freaks in our relationships. But Knuckey says that, as long as the imbalance in responsibilities doesn't cause friction, sometimes it's best when one person has permission to run the show.
"In a marriage, there are always some areas where one person is more controlling than the other," she notes.
The danger is when one partner knows more about how the household finances work, where accounts and key papers are kept -- and the other would rather live in blissful ignorance.
"I've seen widows who never did more than write a few checks suddenly have to manage the family's finances and investments," says Knuckey.
While a marriage of two equally informed financial partners is ideal, sometimes you have to settle for baby steps. "There's a limit to what you can force your partner to do," Knuckey says. "At the very least they should know where all the files are in case of an emergency."
And in the meanwhile, treat your progress toward financial harmony like any other money goal. It won't happen overnight, but if the Women In Red are any indication, 2035 looks like a distinct possibility.
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