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| The Basics | When you have money and your friends don't
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Success with money can sometimes cause financial envy. Here's what to say when strangers demand your net worth and family calls you 'moneybags.'
By Liz Pulliam Weston
If you've got your financial act together at all, you may be the target of financial envy.
Perhaps a friend makes teasing references to you as "moneybags." Coworkers might ask nosy questions about your personal finances. Maybe a relative constantly complains about how much better off you are than she is -- or, worse, constantly hits you up for money.
Michael Stahl is only 22, but he gets his share of financial envy. About to graduate from the prestigious Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, the finance major runs a financial education Web site and has written a book on investing for young people called "Early to Rise: A Young Adult's Guide to Investing." He's been quoted in The Wall Street Journal and been featured in his hometown paper, the Kansas City Star.
Stahl doesn't mind too much when his friends rag him about his supposed wealth or even when a 16-year-old sibling gets pointed references to his "millionaire brother." But it does bug Stahl when total strangers interrogate him about how much money he's made.
"People bring it up, and they'll keep asking two or three times," Stahl said, even after he's tried to dodge the initial question. "I'm not a millionaire -- I'm only 22 years old. I just say, 'I don't tell anybody that.'"
Somebody is always going to be envious
Financial envy is a fact of life for the wealthy. Who among us hasn't felt a tinge of covetousness while ogling a fancy house, car or boat? But being the target of envy can also be an uncomfortable reality even for the less well-off.
In fact, all you really need to be is a better money manager than some of your friends or relatives, and you can catch flak.
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One poster on the Your Money message board recently bought her first home but was reluctant to share the news with an envious sister.
"I was afraid to call her and tell her about it, because she always whines that we have more money than she does. She has been married three times and has gotten into decidedly worse financial situations each time," the poster wrote. "She is jealous of us buying our house, and a conversation with her always turns into all the things that she doesn't have."
Not sharing the good news with her sister felt wrong, the poster added, but she was getting tired of listening to her sister's complaints.
Hiding the reality can hurt relationships
Her instinct not to hide the basic facts of her financial life is right on, said financial advisor Myra Salzer, whose Boulder, Colo., firm The Wealth Conservancy specializes in inheritors. While too much talk about your financial blessings can cross the line into obnoxious bragging, not sharing news of major milestones like a home purchase can drive a wedge into important relationships.
Salzer said her take on the subject has evolved significantly since she started hosting seminars for inheritors who frequently deal with these problems.
"Fifteen years ago, I would have said to try to downplay it or try to fit in," Salzer said. "Now I think there's absolutely nothing the (wealthier) person can do to alter their friends' or siblings' relationship with their wealth."
You don't have to present every friend with your net worth statement, but Salzer feels that trying to minimize or conceal your basic financial condition can make it tough to have authentic relationships with other people.
Denying your wealth can be self-destructive
An extreme example: One of Salzer's clients lives most of the year as an unassuming college professor -- but then spends each summer at his villa on the Riviera, where he goes by another name.
"He's been doing that for decades, and nobody knows," Salzer said. "He's in his 60s, and he's never been married or had a real relationship. When there is a part of you that you're hiding, there's no possibility of a relationship."
Of course, sometimes you don't want a relationship -- particularly if the envious person's misery over his own financial condition manifests itself as an attack on you. Therapist Olivia Mellan was flabbergasted when an employee of a radio station where she was giving an interview snarlingly asked her how much money she made. The clear implication, Mellan said, was she didn't understand the problems "real" people faced.
"I felt hurt and stunned," said Mellan, who has authored several books about money and relationships, including "Overcoming Overspending: A Winning Plan for Spenders and Their Partners." Once the sting of the verbal assault faded, Mellan could see that she hadn't done anything to warrant the attack.
"The envy toward you is just a symptom," Mellan said. "If they felt okay about their financial situation, they wouldn't try to make you feel bad about yours."
Guiding the conversation to a new topic
If you're faced with pure hostility, you may be able to shut down the commentator with a sharp "And your point is?" Or the questioner with "Why do you want to know?"
"Those kind of (hostile) remarks come at you from left field a lot of times," said Thayer Willis, an heiress and therapist in Portland, Ore. Although "nobody's prepared for that," a ready response may derail your attacker.
If the person isn't on the warpath, though, or is a friend, you might want to take a gentler approach.
"If someone says, 'You must really be rich' you can say, 'Well, it's all relative,' which is true," Willis said. "'I may have financial capital, but you have tremendous intellectual capital. Or social capital -- you have so many friends, and you're involved all over town. Or you've got great human capital. You're great at problem-solving, and everybody comes to you for advice.'
"You could help the person try to broaden their definition of wealth."
Sometimes, candor helps
If that's a little too touchy-feely for you, you might try responding to their curiosity rather than their envy. Wills suggested asking "What would you like to know?" Or, "Do you have a question about money I might be able to help you with?" Again, you don't have to share details of your assets or income, but you might be able to change someone's misconceptions about money.
After all, most working people could eventually save and invest until they have a nest egg of $1 million -- the amount a 2003 Gallup poll found was the median amount Americans thought they would need to feel rich. Yet 66% of Americans in the same poll thought it was unlikely they would ever be rich.
People who find money matters confusing or mysterious may assume you're just lucky or the favorite nephew of a wealthy aunt. Maybe you are, but maybe you just try to control your expenses, stay out of debt and invest for the future. Spreading the word that others can do what you've done could be a kind of public service.
Or you can just let them know their comments make you uncomfortable.
"You can't change people anyway, unless they want to change," Mellan said. "But you can tell them the impact of their behavior on you."
Liz Pulliam Weston's column appears every Monday and Thursday, exclusively on MSN Money. She also answers reader questions in the Your Money message board.
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